I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
