final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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