i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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