Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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