hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
