Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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