i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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