Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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