you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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