He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
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