the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
