I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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