You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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