I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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