I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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