Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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