I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
