I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
