my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
