if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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