True but thats because hes a fetus.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
