I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
