i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
