If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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