I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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