This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
