I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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