Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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