you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
