You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
