Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
