she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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