I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I need moral support for this bender
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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