My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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