He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
i've created a new STD.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Randomize
