Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
