Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
