I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
