My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
