I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
