Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
