It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
