i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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