I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Even my vagina gasped.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
