I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
