I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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