At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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