drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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