after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
