yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
