Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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