I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
