i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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