WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
