i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
