i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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