Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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