i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
