I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
