Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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