Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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