Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
