I wannas sexs uuuuu
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
